I used to hate pool parties.
In high school, I was embarrassed that I didn't know how to swim. So I always found creative excuses to get out of plans. And although I learned to swim at 23, I’m still not comfortable in large bodies of water.
I’m even less comfortable standing on the shore alone.
Which brings me to summer in Austin. It’s the height of COVID and my neighbor Bhavik and I have been friends for a bit. He’s really good about inviting me out-- even if I often decline. But I promised that I’d attend his birthday.
Then I found out it was at a campground…next to a lake.
In the Deep End
I started frantically googling how far the camp ground was from the lake. Maybe we wouldn’t go. Maybe I could leave beforehand. Maybe.
I asked if I could invite a friend. One person on the shore is pathetic, but two people might be ok. But those three dots moved again. Bhavik told me he was trying to limit numbers because of COVID. Fudge.
What will they think that I can’t get in the water? Everybody will be in the lake having fun. I’ll be alone like a loser. What will people think that I’m all alone? It’ll be so weird. Like, they’ll think why did I even come?
Overcoming “What Will They Think If I Can’t..?”
Ok, timeout. Social Anxiety battles occur in our mind. If we want to overcome it, that’s where we need to start.
Step 1: Recognize the Lie About What You Can't Do
Extreme desires drive our worst emotions, and we can see that in our thoughts. When you feel anxious, write down your thoughts and ask “What do I want so badly?”
Answer: I’m worried about what people will think if I can’t get in water. Aka, I want people to approve of my abilities. It’s fine to want people to think we’re capable. But when we make that everything, we believe a dangerous lie.
Then we run from situations entirely and miss out on new opportunities.
Step 2: Appreciate What You Can Do
If chasing validation for my abilities drives social anxiety, appreciating the abilities I have can fight it. We may not be good at everything, but we need to remember what we can do.
When we appreciate what we’re good at, we can start to let go of what people think of our abilities. When you get anxious, rehearse your answer to yourself.
Step 3: Just Show Up
Social Anxiety makes us run and hide in our real life. If we’re going to live fulfilled, we need to take steps to put ourselves out there. So ask yourself, “What’s a step I can take to show up?”
Answer: At the very least, I can go to Bhavik's party -- even if I leave early. Sometimes showing up is the most important thing to do.
Just Showing Up
At the campground, the music was blaring and I was stuffing my face with a burger. I started to think that maybe I’d get out of here unscathed.
But before I knew it, people were packing to go to the lake. I even offered to drive -- mostly so I could escape in case of dire embarrassment.
But as the lake came into view, I saw kids. Kids were standing in the lake! It turns out that the parts of the lake where people hang out are shallow. The water came up to my waist.
We ended up cracking jokes, splashing around and enjoying relief from the heat. I’ve never been more excited to see a shallow body of water.
Sometimes the "Flood" is Only Waist Deep
Bhavik was so appreciative that I showed up for his birthday.
I don’t think we realize how much that stuff means to people -- especially in a time where isolation was literally the norm.
I wish I could say that I don’t run from other events. When I’m embarrassed about what I can’t do, that’s my first instinct. But sometimes our fears are like that lake -- enough to drown us in our head, but only waist deep in reality.
So when you’re worried about what people think of your abilities, appreciate what you can do. Hold on to that. Try to show up. I will too.
Love,
-T.O
