It’s a beautiful summer night in Austin, but I’m dying to go home.
I’ve just arrived at a bar to meet my friend Carlos and his friends. I don’t really like going out, but I can have fun when I’m with people I know. Especially because it prevents my worst nightmare: standing alone.
That has terrified me since high school, when, at times, I preferred the inside of a bathroom to being alone at a lunch table. But I’m older now. Nobody needs to know that I’m one click away from that panic.
When I walk up to the outside patio, they’re all in a group talking. I start making conversation and everything is going well. For a while.
Alone at the Bar
As Carlos and Sean reminisce about their hometown, I realize I have nothing else to contribute. So I just stand there, cursing the name of my friend who couldn’t make it tonight.
It’s fine. I turn and start talking to the girls. I ask all the questions that usually get people to talk. I need to buy time. But then they start talking about dresses, hair products, and other girl stuff. I have nothing to add.
Please. Just let me stay here.
After a while, they become tired of my presence. And in one swift movement, their click shuffles away from me.
Crap. Do these girls think I’m weird? Nobody wants to talk to me. And I’m the only one without a group. Maybe I should dance. But not alone -- that’s weird. Everybody is dancing. Do people think I’m weird? I look like I have no friends.
Overcoming Social Anxiety When They Think You’re Weird
The battle of social anxiety happens in our mind. So if we want to overcome it, we have to change our thought patterns.
Step 1: Recognize the Lie
Extreme desires drive negative emotions. So when you get anxious, write down your thoughts and ask, “What do I want?”
(You can read my thoughts in italics above.)
Answer: I want people to think I’m not weird. Basically, I want people to approve of my personality, which is fine! But when I make their approval everything, I believe a dangerous lie:
Step 2: Appreciate Your Personality
If chasing what we don’t have drives negative emotions, specific gratitude can help fight them. Instead of obsessing over whether they like my personality, I need to focus on one important thing.
Refocusing does take practice -- like changing the diet of your brain. But when we remember what’s awesome about us, we can let go of what people think.
Step 3: Take a step forward
If we want to live fulfilled lives, we have to actually take steps to overcome our emotions. So ask yourself, “How can I take a step to overcome Social Anxiety?”.
Answer: I could engage someone in a conversation or stand alone for a few minutes. But when anxiety makes time feel like an eternity, it's easier said than done.
Running for Cover
Back at the bar patio, I’m doing my best impression of someone who is enjoying himself. I try to step to the beat of Applebottom jeans. But my jeans just feel stiff.
A knot forms in my stomach. I need to get out of here. But leaving alone might be just as embarrassing. I looked down at my phone wishing that someone, anyone, would call me. But I thought of the next best thing. I walked up to Carlos and said,
“Hey, I’m going to go meet my neighbor at Container Bar.”
There was, of course, no neighbor at Container bar. But I was relieved to get out of there. Unfortunately, as the days went on, that feeling was replaced with guilt for lying.
Coming Clean
Later that week, I told Carlos what I did. It turns out that telling someone you lied and ran is just as embarrassing as being left out. Thank God he understood.
Situations like these are still hard. When I think people think I’m weird, my first instinct is to run. Maybe you feel the same. But in those moments, I put so much emphasis on what people might think that I forget what I appreciate about myself.
So whenever you feel social anxiety from people thinking you’re weird, focus on what you like about your personality.
When we’re grateful for what’s awesome about us, we can let go of what people think.
Love,
-T.O.
